“I love you, but I’m not in love with you.”
People really say that. He said it. I had spent a good six hours sitting at home, anxiously waiting for my then-husband to return from the bars and tell me what he couldn’t say before he left. Before he left that night, I cried and told him how I thought I had lost him.
Something was wrong, and it had been for a while. I tried everything I knew to figure out what was wrong and fix it. I thought we had turned a corner, but when he left that night, I knew something was not being said. He promised to discuss it when he got home.
I called a friend, and she stayed on the phone with me for all six hours as my anxiety took hold, and I did my best not to break down. I think she knew what was coming, and to say I was grateful for her staying with me is an understatement.
Eventually, he came home, climbed into bed, and attempted to say nothing. He just brushed his teeth and rolled over to go to bed, not saying a word.
I couldn’t live like this anymore, so that night, I kept asking what was wrong. When he finally answered, he said, “I love you, but I’m not in love with you.”
I sat there shocked. I didn’t understand. I couldn’t process what he was saying. I knew we were both unhappy, but love always wins. We had been “very in love” for a lot of years. I was unwilling to believe it was just over. I kept asking what I could do. What happened? We had to fight for this marriage.
All I ever wanted was to be married, and I believe we could make this work. I couldn’t believe we were brought together not to spend our lives together. It just didn’t make sense to me. I offered reassurance that we would figure it out and begged him not to give up on us.
He responded matter of factly, “I just don’t think we can both be happy together. We want different things.” And with his truth finally spoken, he rolled over and went to bed.
It was the first time in years he had fallen asleep without tossing, without sleep apnea problems, without faking he was happy. I didn’t sleep that night; for me, it was the first night of many years of not sleeping through the night.
It was just the beginning of my death and the ability to be reborn as something new.
Over the next few months, the pattern of avoiding the tough conversations continued. We tried couples therapy, and my ex refused. He said it hurt too much to dig back up and discuss it. He would just walk away.
By the third therapy appointment, I had found the deleted text messages and snaps from Her. I found the “I never want to go to bed without saying I love you.” And the naked photos she was sending.
We came home from therapy, and I ripped the bed apart, tearing the sheets off and throwing his pillows into the hall. I kicked him out of the bedroom that night, and in a rage of pain and raw emotion, I did my best to remove his smell from the vicinity. The intimate connection of knowing someone’s smell was now too much to bear.
He continued to run. I continued to fight. I came home from a concert to find he had rented an apartment and moved out.
I learned he had Her over for a date on my couch while I traveled for work.
I learned Her name, Her face, and the deepest pain I have ever felt in my life.
And still, I fought. I researched and read and learned why marriages fail. I learned about the cycles of relationships and why people cheat. I did therapy, guided healing, group healing, and spiritual guidance.
I had lost 33 pounds in a month. I was nauseous if I ate more than half an apple or a few bites of chicken. I struggled to fall asleep and failed at staying asleep, waking most nights at 3 am. I could not concentrate or sit still and was either deep in my work or sleeping to try and pass the time.
At work, I launched some of my biggest wins ever. I was traveling and launching company firsts and trying not to crumble, pretending to be happy and healthy when people commented on how skinny I was—trying not to have a panic attack between presentations and escaping to my room to use techniques like tapping and breathing exercises to calm my nerves.
I held all this together along with a four-year-old that didn’t understand, but once Dad moved out started intense meltdowns and battles nightly. With no help and no one who knew what was happening, I burnt the candle at both ends and paid the price.
I was dying inside. For one year, I refused to entertain the idea that this marriage was over and suffered in silence. Who can you tell that your then-husband cheated, but you still wanted it to work? My adrenals were shot. My digestive system didn’t work. My hair was falling out due to hormone imbalances, and I was tired.
I was tired of carrying the workload of repairing a relationship alone. I was tired of putting my needs aside. I was tired of making excuses about why he was depressed/lost/wounded/broken/etc, and couldn’t change his behaviors. I was tired of being the good girl who did all the work and didn’t demand or complain. And so I put it down.
On the heels of a Fourth of July Weekend in Wi, I returned and found my voice. It was tiny and scared, but I was starting to find my way back to me.
And still, I waited and hoped for that marriage to survive for another year. It took two years before I could take the leap and file for divorce. It took two years of learning how to be grateful for the little things, how to slow down, how to only take on what I could and wanted to handle, how to take breaks for myself when I needed them, and to not over-commit.
I was so proud of the person I had become. I was so excited about what was next… and I had no idea that getting to the point where you sign the paperwork is only the beginning of the healing journey.
Seven years later, I can tell you that I am so grateful for my path, but some days, it still hurts. I can tell you that all the things I learned and explored weren’t meant to save the marriage but to save me. I can tell you that if you feel lost, too, you are not alone.
Getting divorced was hard.
Learning to live again was even harder.
So thank you to those reading this that held me up all those years. I can promise you that even the ones that crossed my path briefly brought something to this journey. The kindness, the hours spent listening to me cry, the adventures, the times you told me how you saw me, not the broken version I saw in the mirror. They all mattered.
It’s taken me a lot of years to be able to tell this story, and I am honored to tell it through The Crazy Ex-Wives Club Podcast. I am honored to carry the weight for those of you on this journey as well, even if it is only for one hour a week.
It won’t always hurt as bad as it does today. You are the hero of your own story. May this podcast be the wise guide that helps you get back on your path.
The Crazy Ex-Wives Club Podcast launches on June 14th on all major podcast platforms. Learn more about it HERE.
xoxo
erica
Erica Bennett, Host of The Crazy Ex-Wives Club Podcast
Introducing Erica, the compassionate and determined host of The Crazy Ex Wife’s Club podcast. Erica is a woman with a mission to help guide and empower women through the ups and downs of divorce and separation. With her own experience of going through a divorce, Erica knows first-hand how challenging and heartbreaking this process can be. She is determined to share her journey with others to give hope to those experiencing similar struggles.
Through her podcast, Erica invites listeners to join her on a journey of healing, self-discovery, and transformation. She creates a safe and welcoming space for women to share their stories, gain insights, and find support from a like-minded community. Her open-heartedness, honesty, and authenticity resonate deeply with her audience and inspire listeners to take action toward living their best lives.
Erica’s expertise in self-improvement, healing, and personal growth, combined with her compassionate nature, make her the perfect guide for anyone seeking guidance on their journey through separation or divorce. Her dedication to helping others make the transition from hurt and fear to self-love and empowerment is unmatched.
In addition to being a successful podcast host, Erica is also an accomplished writer, speaker, and coach. She is dedicated to helping divorced and separated women rediscover their strength and rebuild their lives. Her message is clear: it is never too late to start over and create the life you want.